For anyone my age who has ever made a mixtape. This is an idea I was messing with for my book. It got axed from it, so I played with it to post and hopefully start a conversation with you people of Facebook.
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The Premise is making a mix tape of the top 3 songs of every year since my birth.
So here’s a fun idea: let’s take a musical journey through every year since 1981—my birth year, because obviously the universe began then—and look at Billboard’s top three songs each year. Simple, right?
Turns out, tracking down Billboard’s official year-end top threes for every single year since Reagan was president is like trying to find a drink in parts of Utah: theoretically possible, but surprisingly elusive. I spent a day doing this (avoiding real work in the process) to write this chunk, which will decidedly not make the book. However, I enjoyed doing it, and writing it took me three days. I can’t let it go to waste. Hopefully, 1 person doesn’t blindly scroll and reads it and comments.
Decade Snapshots
1980s – Synths, Sass, and Shoulder Pads
Scrolling through the lists and realizing I need to hear songs I can’t remember I realized the early ’80s delivered some absolute bangers. Like, Holy crap, the 80’s are back. “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John ruled 1981 like a spandex-clad dictator teaching twerkercise class at LA Fitness, while “Bette Davis Eyes” had everyone wondering what those eyes actually looked like. ( My Dog has Joan Crawford eyebrows, does that count?), It sounded like it beamed in from an alternate universe where people didn’t clear their throats before singing and everyone wore more leather and had better cheekbones.
I’m not going to be that guy who claims music was better “back in my day.” Every generation thinks their soundtrack was superior—until they catch themselves belting “Call Me Maybe” alone in traffic, I mean, not me… I never, okay, guilty, but come on, it’s catchy.
Still, it’s fascinating to trace the yearly anthems. “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” (1982) turned Chicago—the once-jazz-rock rebels with a killer horn section (Big fan of horns in rock)—into the kings of soft-rock apologies doing bad teen movie love mongage butt rubbers. Then came 1983, when The Police topped the charts with “Every Breath You Take”, the all-star stalker anthem disguised as a love song.
The ’80s were pure neon insanity. MTV was new, cocaine was “just a pick-me-up,” and fashion looked like everyone lost a fight with a lawn mower.
Madonna turned “sex sales” into an outfit, Prince made weird sexy, and Michael Jackson moonwalked straight into pop immortality with a sex scandal. “When Doves Cry” was an existential crisis you could dance to, and “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” taught us that even guys in eyeliner have feelings for Pam Anderson.
We were living in the age of excess, where every song had three key changes, and even the power ballads proved that even badass rockers could sing and wear spandex and silk.
1990s – Flannel, Feelings, and the Macarena Economy
The ’90s hit like puberty for pop culture in a coffee house in an oversized sweater. One minute we were slow-dancing to “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men, and the next we were screaming “Smells Like Teen Spirit” in a basement with questionable ventilation.
We had power singers: Whitney owned the early years, Mariah hit every note that physically exists, even ones that shouldn’t, and TLC warned us about chasing waterfalls while inspiring every Halloween costume from 1995 to 2003 for girls who didn’t want to dress up but had a Rite Aid membership card.
Then came “Macarena,” a song or virus, so catchy it convinced millions of adults to publicly perform synchronized pelvic thrusts at weddings, no matter your age, weight, or rhythmic ability, and everyone would mumble gibberish while riding an invisible swing, raise their hands to the ceiling, and shout HEEEEY MACAREEANA! HEY HEY!
2000s – The iPod Generation and the Rise of Auto-Tune
The 2000s were chaotic for artists. Napster blew up the record industry, and suddenly everyone was a music critic with a dial-up and a chin beard. The idea of growing as an artist seemed to be looked down on. It all became 1 or two hits, not albums anymore.
“Hey Ya!” was art disguised as a dance-floor must, “Crazy in Love” made Beyoncé a deity, and “Umbrella” made Rihanna royalty. Meanwhile, Nickelback, Creed, and Linkin Park dominated radio like a fungus nobody asked for, and “Hollaback Girl” taught me how to spell “bananas”.
It was a decade powered by ringtones, excessive product in your hair, super angular facial hair, and emotional whiplash.
2010s – Algorithms, Anthems, and Emotional Terrorism
By the 2010s, music had fully merged with the internet. So I totally suffered from LAG in culture, due to my lag in wifi, losing most modern popular stuff to my excessive travel as a comedian. I didn’t discover songs—they discovered me—usually at 3 a.m. when Spotify decided you “might relate to” Adele’s divorce. I would listen to music when I got home from the road, so my algorithm must have thought I was depressed to listen at these god awful hours. I was always about two decades behind music trends during these years, forcing myself to put the vinyl down and listen to today’s hits.
“Uptown Funk” convinced me I could still (try to) dance, and Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You” became so omnipresent it started playing inside my dentist’s thoughts.
Pop stars weren’t people anymore; they were corporations with emotions and publicists. Every chorus was engineered in a lab to sound good while microwaving leftovers. The spontaneity of music discovery was disappearing. We became part of the formula they were selling.
2020s – The Era of Everything, Everywhere, All at Once
Now we live in musical chaos theory. Genres don’t exist—just vibes and anxiety. Social media breaks younger artists, and only people over 50 seem to tour. Billie Eilish whispers her trauma, Taylor Swift controls the global economy with friendship bracelets, and half of TikTok thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new band.
Songs no longer “drop”; they arrive in your algorithm uninvited and are downloaded straight to your brain’s reward system (VTA).
We’re in an age where nostalgia remixes nostalgia ( what, will they reboot Happy Days next? The show about nostalgia), and your playlist can go from Sinatra to Slayer without warning. If the ’80s were hairspray and keytars, the 2020s are FaceTime and ring lights.
When I was eight, I didn’t know adults debated what was “the best” song of a given year. Music just was. You heard it on the radio, taped it off MTV between Clearasil ads, and called it a day.
Looking back, each year’s hits feel like postcards from completely different planets. It’s fun to watch as I get older; the hitmakers keep getting younger.
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The Spotify Problem
Back then, Billboard measured actual sales and radio spins—tangible proof of what people were buying or begging DJs to play. Now they must check other sources, plays on social, followers, downloads and physical sales?
Now, this isn’t the case: no more waiting for Casey Kasem to count backward from 40, which was a nightmare for me, a dyslexic who needed to catalog the results because I couldn’t remember anything unless I had a list or chart in front of me to see the big picture.
The downside: the shared cultural soundtrack is gone. When’s the last time you could bet everyone at a party knew the same song that wasn’t 20 years old? Now it’s like being with a bunch of hipsters all the time. “Oh, let me show you this band you have never heard of. They have a sound that formed in the southern basement of a Buddhist church on the east side of Chattanooga that was inspired by a blah blah blah… It’s like the joke: how many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh, some number you’ve never heard of.
Revisiting Billboard’s hits is like flipping through your old photo albums—you’re not really researching history, you’re excavating memories, some of which you have completely forgotten about. Every song makes you pull up the music video on YouTube, then you start down a rabbit hole that takes up your entire afternoon, getting nothing done but remembering people, places, and crap that stirs up things like the smell of your grandparents’ car.
Songs become timestamps: “That was our wedding song.” “That played the week we won the league.” “That was my Caesar haircut phase.” Some tracks age like fine wine, while others are like milk in a glove compartment of a muscle car driving across the southwest during summer, but all of them hold memories.
Maybe the real treasure isn’t the list itself. Maybe it’s remembering that music has always been this glorious rigmarole where art and money collide, and someone’s Tuesday afternoon in a studio becomes someone else’s first kiss. So many people are affected by the spark that turns into a song. To radio play, to a hit, to a DJ at a dance, to someone falling in love over the song and holding on to it for a lifetime. And the writer never knows half the stories that got made in real life over their work. I mean, Dianna Ross and Lionel Richie should have paid child support for tons of children that were created over bad choices during great songs.
Every year since I’ve been alive, somebody wrote a song that made someone fall in love, break up, cry, or dance like an idiot at a school function. Billboard just tallied the aftermath.
The real chart lives in your car stereo, headphones, phone, and that one song that still hits like it was written just for you. Your personal “walk on” music. Mine is probably Doc Watson’s Windy and Warm (Not what you thought I would say?)
So while I didn’t give you the